Helping Your Children Navigate Their Teenage Years:
A Guide for Parents

Teens: Skills for Handling Tough Situations

Teenagers, like all of us, sometimes need help and guidance, but it can sometimes be difficult for parents to recognize when to intervene in their teenager's life. Teens face very different challenges from those we experienced as teens. Understanding today's issues, knowing when and how to provide assistance to help your children overcome them, is an important job for parents.

It is also a difficult role. Being able to identify the differences between "normal" teen behavior and those which are self-destructive or hurtful is essential. Here are some examples to help you identify warning signs and behavior patterns that your teen may need intervention.

Read through these examples and see if any sound familiar.

Remember, though, that every teenager is different and there is often no clear answer to your specific situation.

If you are concerned, talk to your teenage children. At least, let your teenager know your feelings and that it would be good to talk. If you continue to be concerned, or believe that your teen could harm themselves or others, do get help immediately.

Bullying

I was called to my 13-year-old son's school today because he stole some money from another boy during lunch. This wasn't the first time this happened. Previously, the principal contacted the parents because Keith successfully blamed graffiti he had written on the school bus on anoher student.

No matter what we tell him, he constantly seems to get in trouble. What can I do?

You certainly have reason to be concerned about your son's behavior. He is being a bully and it's time you help him to stop that behavior. The did the right thing by calling. The school should establish clear standards about bullying and make ensure that your son truly understands what will happen if he violates the rules. rule.

You, too, need to make clear that you disapprove of bullying. Help your son learn to be empathic, to understand how others feel and learn to care about others' feelings. You will probably want to impose consequences on your son for his unacceptable behavior.

Be firm, but do it in a loving way. Provide your son empathy, understanding, and love. By doing this, you model the behavior you wish him to exhibit.

This still leaves the bigger part of the problem, getting to the reasons for your son's behavior. You have to discuss bullying with your son to try to find out why he is acting in such harmful ways, to find out why he is being a bully. What leads your son to behave in such hurtful ways?

With your help, or with the assistance of a professional, your son can understand his own motives for bullying. Some teens become bullies due to boredom and craving excitement;others do it to feel powerful; for some its a way they act out due to family problems; others do it for gain attention and to be popular.

You need to ask him very detailed questions:

• Did you plan to take the other boy's lunch money beforehand, or was it a sudden urge?
• Why did you pick on that particular person?
• What were you thinking when you did it? (For example: I needed the money; It will look rad.)
• How did you feel when you did it? (For example: excitement, thrill seeking, scared, strong).
• How do you think the other boy felt?
• What's happening in your life or in our family that may be upsetting you?

When you understand the details of what happened, you can determine how to help your child. For example, if your son took the money because it was just sitting the lunch tray and he had a urge to grab it, he needs to learn to identify and control his impulses.

If he planned to steal money, preselected a victim and stole because he wanted to look important, he will need to learn positive ways to make friends and gain peer acceptance.

We have to help our children learn healthy and socially acceptable ways to cope with urges and anger, and to satisfy their emotional needs appropriately.

A big challenge? Yes. But it's an important part of development and growing into a good citizen.

Drug Use and Failure in School

Our 16-year-old daughter, Julia, was caught drinking at a party. We think she was smoking marijuana at the party, too. She not doing well in school, she's doesn't do her homework and is failing one subject.

We set up required study time, but it hasn't helped. She ignores curfews and doesn't do her chores. We've discussed alcohol, drugs, and sex, and we have clearly explained the the rules and consequences if she fails to comply.

Obviously, it hasn't worked. She says I'm a B---. So frustrating, what to do?

Alcohol and Substance Abuse

Julia's drinking and possible drug use may be the tip of the iceberg. Alcohol and drug use frequently happen in conjunction with with other serious problems.

First, you need to talk to Julia and find out what drugs she is using and how often she is using them. Don't confront her when she seems to be under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. Be sure she is straight and sober before you talk with her.

Then discuss your suspicions with her calmly and objectively, as you begin a dialogue. Bring in other members of the family to help, if necessary.

Second, impose whatever discipline your family has decided on for violating the rules, and stick to it. Don't stop when she promises not to do it again. Be sure she understandsher use of alcohol and other drugs is a serious problem which is self-harming.

If Julia has developed a pattern of drug use or has engaged in heavy use, you should get immediate help. Call your doctor, check with your local hospital, or county mental health center to find local drug treatment programs.

Your school district should have a substance abuse coordinator or a counselor who can refer you to treatment programs, too. Other parents who have had experience with children who have drug or alcohol problems are a good source of referrals too

Many young people lie about their alcohol and drug use. If you think Julia is lying and their is strong evidence , you may want to have her evaluated by a health professionals specializing in diagnosing adolescents with alcohol and drug problems.

Listed in the box at right are signs that may indicate problems with alcohol or other drugs. They could also indicate other problems, not related to drugs. No matter, if you see significant changes in your teenager's behavior, something is wrong.

Start a dialogue with your teen about the problems. If you remain uncertain if alcohol or other drugs are part of the problem, or if you are sure of alcohol or drug use exists, get professional help.

School Failure

Failure in school is another serious issue, but nagging is the wrong approach, and enforcing study times usually doesn't work, either. Parents often assume that school problems are caused by lack of effort, and that making kids study more will improve their performance.

Usually there is much more to it. For example, children may be having trouble with academic work and need tutoring. Learning disabilities often go undiagnosed causing a need for help with study skills (learning where, how and where to study).

They may also be upset about something at home, at school, or with peers, that is interfering with their concentration. Even when the amount of effort invested in schoolwork is deficient, usually the underlying cause is discouragement, rather than laziness.

The remedy is support, not more pressure. We need strategies to get teens thinking and solving problems for themselves. Getting a conversation going is the most effective way to get them started.

How long ago did Julia start slacking off in school? What do you think is holding her back in schoolwork? Answers to these questions will help you to find a solution to the problem.

Encourage Julia to consult with her teachers or the school counselor, and offer to participate in these meetings. If need be, you can consult with the school or get other professional help to determine the causes of the problem.

Once you know the causes, the solutions should become clearer. Your daughter will still have some obstacles to overcome, but at least she will be headed in the right direction.

Sadness/Depression

Sarah has never had much confidence. High school was much more difficult than she expected. My husband and my divorce has been very hard on her. She appears very tired and doesn't sleep, and just sits in her room crying with her door closed.

When she goes out, she dresses all in black clothing and wears heavy black eye shadow. I have tried talking to her, but she won't talk and is just angry. I'm not sure if she is depressed or "going through a phase.

The teen years offer new experiences and challenges that can be exciting, but also stressful. Stress experienced by going through adolescence is one of many reasons that cause teens to be unhappy as well as hormonal changes occurring which affect moods. .

Some sadness and mood swings are a normal part of life. If "blues" last for weeks, of if they are interfering with school, home, and normal activities,it could be asign your teen is clinically depressed. Depression, a mood disorder, is a medical illness, often undiagnosed, but it can be treated quite effectively.

When teens, or anyone, are very upset about things, they need to talk with someone who cares and can help.

Parents should be concerned and talk with their child about his or her unhappiness, whether it is a temporary state or a case of clinical depression. We should set an example of confronting problems, head on.

It is sometimes hard to tell when teens are depressed, because the symptoms may be hard to read.

For example, you may mistake a sleep disturbance, which can be a sign of depression, for a late-night television habit, or your teen may only reveal her sadness in writings that contain morbid themes. Teens might complain, "I'm bored," when they are actually depressed.

In addition, signs of depression may vary among cultural groups: Teens in some groups experience sadness or guilt; while others experience more physical symptoms, such as headaches and nervousness.

Clearly, Sarah is unhappy and may be suffering from depression. Ask yourself, "What's going on in her life to make her feel this way?"" Think about past and present problems. When did this crying begin? Are there other family issues in play? Sibling issues, divorce, or school problems? Is she having problems with friends?

Are there any other problems or symptoms? Answers to these questions can provide clues to what's wrong and how to help your daughter.

Depression does increase the risk of suicidal behavior. Many teens think about suicide, and unfortunately some of them follow through. Parents should reach out for professional help immediately if there are more warning signs, such as the child has a history of previous suicidal behavior, send signals about not being around in the future, expresses a desire to die, gives away prized possessions, has experienced a recent loss, or makes threats of suicide.

Sarah needs to talk with someone who cares and can help. Give her an opportunity to discuss her feelings and what is causing them. If she won't talk to you, find an adult with whom she can talk, such as a family physician or a mental health professional.

Anger and Violence

My 16-year-old son, James, is failing in school. He is often angry, has no interest in our family, and sometimes doesn't come home until 4 a.m. I have no idea what he's doing and worry he might get into trouble.

At home, he spends most of the time in his room playing violent video games and listening to music with violent lyrics. I've heard him plotting "revenge with friends, and he seems to always be talking about different weapons. This worries me, but I don't really believe he would hurt anyone. What can I do?

You are right to be worried. Although it is difficult to predict who will become violent, there are certain risk factors that may warn of possible danger. It is important to keep in mind that the presence of these signs does not necessarily mean that a person will become violent.

These risk factors include: a history of violent or aggressive behavior, carrying weapons or access to weapons, the use of alcohol and other drugs, isolation from family and/or peers, poor grades, and trouble controlling anger. The more of these warning signs we see, the more we believe that children are "at risk for violent behavior. No single factor indicates a problem, but if we see a pattern of several risk factors, it's time to take precautions. James exhibits many of these warning signs. He is isolated from his family, failing in school and staying out much too late at night.

He has discussed weapons, has a problem with anger, and you heard him plotting revenge. Has James been bullied, or excluded, or teased by peers or family members?

Children who have been bullied, mistreated by others, or feel they have been mistreated, are also at higher risk for being violent than those who have not. The same is true for children who feel rejected or alone.

These lists can be used to unfairly label nonviolent youth as dangerous, because many adolescents who will never become violent will show some of the red flag behaviors.

Still, parents should recognize these warning signs and use them as a cue that something is wrong and a child needs help.

When parents see a serious problem affecting their child and can't seem to resolve it, they should connect with someone who can. To help James, you should look for a child/family mental health professional who is well-respected in your community and experienced in working with adolescents and their families.

When a teen exhibits a number of warning signs for violence, as James does, parents should act promptlyfor safety's sake.

As a precaution, they should make sure their children do not have access to firearms, and remove other dangerous materials or objects from the home.

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source: National Institute of Mental Health.