man woman sitting in front of stonewall

The "Stonewalling" Man

By Marty Friedman

Stone walls can be useful: They keep people away and protect those inside.

When men construct them in marriage, however, they only cause anger, isolation and conflict. John Gottman, perhaps the most respected marital researcher in the world, underlines the importance of tearing down the walls: "A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife.

If a woman says, 'Do you have to work Wednesday night? My mother is visiting this weekend, and I need your help getting things straightened out at the house,' and her husband replies, 'My plans are set, and I'm not changing them'. This guy is in a toubled marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband does the same." Gottman has found that stonewalling is one of the most detrimental factors in a marriage.

Here's the typical cycle: Women criticize men, and men become defensive and emotionally withdraw (stonewalling) from a criticism or conflict.

Stonewalling is easy to recognize.

Men cross their arms, roll their eyes, and adopt a fixed "stone-face", sometimes turning away and speaking very little, if at all.

Women, of course, react poorly to stonewalling, becoming angry, hurt, and frustrated, which likely causes them to criticize even more. Research has shown that stonewalling puts stress on the body and closes down the autonomic nervous system, also it causes a negative stress reaction for his mate. This is because men stuff their emotions during the conflict, as women tune-in to the man's emotions. Stonewalling, causes both husband and wife to suffer.

What causes stonewalling?

The key to eliminate stonewalling is to recognize what is going on underneath the surface. the best description is that stonewalling happens when a woman criticizes and her man, he hears that he's wrong, "bad", or inadequate. Women's criticism affects men far more than women usually know. Men love to feel like they are doing great things, and pleasing their women. When men hear they are failing to meet expectations again, you shouldn't be surprised if they are defensive and withdraw.

What can we do to eliminate or reduce communication stonewalling?

First, women must soften and tone down their criticism, reducing their contempt or blame. Women need to recognize that their criticism undermines and demeans men, it is counter-productive; men resist when they feel criticized and put down.

They will, however, respond well to loving, personal requests for new actions. Men are most likely to respond positively and communicate when they feel respected and accepted.

Second, men must recognize their own stonewalling behaviors and know that stonewalling is damaging to them and to the women they love. It is important to talk snd not yell even if you are frustrated.

It's also helpful to admit one's defensiveness. It's importanyt to listen, really listen with all your heart and soul to your wife, because it will help you and the relationship. Men it's time to open up and not "stonewall". Let your partner in, and yourself out!

How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships

men in marriage book coverFor many years, Marty Friedman, author of "Straight Talk for Men About Marriage-What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men). Marty taught corporate managers how to create good relationships at work before writing and speaking about men and marriage. He is regularly interviewed on radio and television, and speaks to organizations about communication, men, relationships and marriage.

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