Self-Esteem and Peer Pressure


www.SharonScott.com

tweens and teens

Research says that 87% of America’s youth (both children and teens) face a negative peer pressure situation daily.  It could be an invitation from a peer to cheat, talk in class, run in the halls, gossip, fight, skip, bully, ride bikes too far from home, drink, smoke, etc.  Your child may be told that the trouble invitation is fun, that everyone is doing it and that he won't get caught. It's a tough call for most youth because they want so badly to fit in.  Your child's peers often reinforce your son or daughter's poor decisions by praising and rewarding him or her for going along with the trouble idea.

We know that children and teens with good self-esteem are better able to think on their own as well as manage negative peer pressure. Kids can appear confident yet still have serious doubts about themselves. One of my private counseling clients, a 15-year-old boy, recently said to me, “I look confident on the outside because that's what I want people to see. But inside I worry all the time about what people think of me. I even wake up feeling sad and can't go back to sleep.” This young man is an A/B student and a successful athlete who has many friends. Sometimes we adults forget how difficult growing up can be!

thumbs up

One important tool that parents have is to encourage the positive in your child to help reinforce their daily battle to manage negative peer pressure. In other words, you need to put a lot of effort in catching and reinforcing what she’s doing right! Too often parents spend more time fussing, reminding and nagging.  The positive should always outweigh the negative.

Giving praise for your child's good decisions is one of your most powerful parenting tools. It expresses your loving approval of their behavior and therefore helps reinforce kids’ good decisions. Praise also helps to set boundaries of acceptable behavior and shows your concern for their well-being. It also role models the skill so that they learn to praise others.

However, when most parents think they are praising, they are actually giving either encouragement or a compliment. Let's learn the difference. It's like good, better, best with praise being the strongest of these three types of positive words.

Encouragement is predicting success. For example, when your child is worried about an upcoming test and you say, “You know all the sample questions so I'm sure you're going to do well tomorrow,” you are giving encouragement. It's 'rah-rah' in cheering them on.

A compliment is an 'atta boy.' It tells your child that you are pleased, but it’s not specific therefore it cannot reinforce the behavior since it was never mentioned. Compliments might sound like these: “You're so smart!” or “You're the best!” These can actually back-fire as they can make a child feel more important than others and cause feelings of entitlement. They cause a temporary good feeling but, being vague, they don’t actually reinforce the behavior or attitude that you want to see again.

 talk to child

Praise is different and more powerful! It reinforces a specific behavior and helps the behavior to occur again. Praise might sound like this: “I noticed how you continued to concentrate to solve that one math problem. I admire your diligence!” or “You were so nice to share your toys with your company. That was very kind!”

The positive praise words recognize a specific good behavior, action, or attitude; not just a vague 'atta boy.' Another pitfall in giving praise, besides vagueness, is that most kids receive more negative comments from parents per day than they do praise! Research says that the average child in America doesn't even get one praise per day. However, most children receive numerous corrections and other negative-type comments each day--at home, school and even with friends who may enjoy teasing in unkind ways.

It's been said that it takes five praises to build a child or teen back up from one correction. How many kids get 10-20 praises per day? I’ve never seen that in my lengthy counseling career! Don't misunderstand and assume that I'm suggesting you ignore bad behavior. I'm not! I'm just saying that too often we take the good behavior for granted. We don't do so intentionally. It's just that so many of us are overscheduled and overwhelmed by all that we have to do, so praise takes a back seat. Most of us, however, are not too busy to comment on the things we don't like. Unfortunately, we find the time to fuss and nag and lecture.  That rarely improves behavior, but it sure does have a negative impact on children’s self-esteem.

Example of a vague compliment: “Your room looks good.”  What’s missing?  You failed to note specifically what you liked that your child did in the room.  

Example of a stronger praise: “I noticed you hung up all your clothes and also put your toys away.  Wow--that helps me a lot!  Good job!”  When you are specific about what you liked and verbalize it in the praise, it will likely occur again.

Set a goal to increase the quantity and the quality of your praise words and you will soon see a difference in your child’s attitude—and likely his ability to manage negative peer pressure as well.  You are helping your child feel good for doing good!

I hope that you pay more attention to your children when they are doing something right such as having a good attitude or completing a chore or making a good peer pressure decision or being kind or _______ -- you fill in the blank! Catch them doing something good and make sure you make the time to comment on it. In other words, increase the quantity and quality of your praise. In a healthy home children should be receiving more praise than corrections. Have fun being positive!

Excerpted from family counselor and global trainer Sharon Scott's award-winning book, Peer Pressure Reversal: An Adult Guide to Developing a Responsible Child, 2nd Ed.  To order any of Sharon’s books for parents, children and teens, contact her at sharon@sharonscott.com - www.SharonScott.com

Copyright © 1985-2023, Sharon Scott. No reproduction without written permission from author.


About Us- Contact Us - Privacy Policy

TheParentVine.com earns commissions on products sold.