Research says that 87% of America’s youth (both
children and teens) face a negative peer pressure situation daily.
It could be an invitation from a peer to cheat, talk in class, run
in the halls, gossip, fight, skip, bully, ride bikes too far from home,
drink, smoke, etc. Your child may be told that the trouble
invitation is fun, that everyone is doing it and that he won't get
caught. It's a tough call for most youth because they want so badly
to fit in. Your child's peers often reinforce your son or
daughter's poor decisions by praising and rewarding him or her for
going along with the trouble idea.
We know that children and teens with good self-esteem are
better able to think on their own as well as manage negative peer
pressure. Kids can appear confident yet still have serious doubts about
themselves. One of my private counseling clients, a 15-year-old boy,
recently said to me, “I look confident on the outside because
that's what I want people to see. But inside I worry all the time
about what people think of me. I even wake up feeling sad and can't
go back to sleep.” This young man is an A/B student and a
successful athlete who has many friends. Sometimes we adults forget how
difficult growing up can be!
One important tool that parents have is to encourage the positive in
your child to help reinforce their daily battle to manage negative peer
pressure. In other words, you need to put a lot of effort in catching
and reinforcing what she’s doing right! Too often parents spend
more time fussing, reminding and nagging. The positive should
always outweigh the negative.
Giving praise for your child's good decisions is one of your most
powerful parenting tools. It expresses your loving approval of their
behavior and therefore helps reinforce kids’ good decisions.
Praise also helps to set boundaries of acceptable behavior and shows
your concern for their well-being. It also role models the skill so that
they learn to praise others.
However, when most parents think they are praising, they are
actually giving either encouragement or a compliment. Let's learn
the difference. It's like good, better, best with praise being the
strongest of these three types of positive words.
Encouragement is predicting success. For example, when your child is worried
about an upcoming test and you say, “You know all the sample
questions so I'm sure you're going to do well tomorrow,”
you are giving encouragement. It's 'rah-rah' in cheering
them on.
A compliment is an 'atta
boy.' It tells your child that you are pleased, but it’s not
specific therefore it cannot reinforce the behavior since it was never
mentioned. Compliments might sound like these: “You're so
smart!” or “You're the best!” These can actually
back-fire as they can make a child feel more important than others and
cause feelings of entitlement. They cause a temporary good feeling but,
being vague, they don’t actually reinforce the behavior or
attitude that you want to see again.
Praise is different and more
powerful! It reinforces a specific behavior and helps the
behavior to occur again. Praise might sound like this: “I noticed
how you continued to concentrate to solve that one math problem. I
admire your diligence!” or “You were so nice to share your
toys with your company. That was very kind!”
The positive praise words recognize a
specific good behavior, action, or attitude; not just a vague 'atta
boy.' Another pitfall in giving praise, besides vagueness, is that
most kids receive more negative comments from parents per day than they
do praise! Research says that the average child in America doesn't
even get one praise per day. However, most children receive numerous
corrections and other negative-type comments each day--at home, school
and even with friends who may enjoy teasing in unkind ways.
It's been said that it
takes five praises to build a child or teen back up from one correction.
How many kids get 10-20 praises per day? I’ve never seen that in
my lengthy counseling career! Don't misunderstand and assume that
I'm suggesting you ignore bad behavior. I'm not! I'm just
saying that too often we take the good behavior for granted. We
don't do so intentionally. It's just that so many of us are
overscheduled and overwhelmed by all that we have to do, so praise takes
a back seat. Most of us, however, are not too busy to comment on the
things we don't like. Unfortunately, we find the time to fuss and
nag and lecture. That rarely improves behavior, but it sure does
have a negative impact on children’s self-esteem.
Example of a vague compliment:
“Your room looks good.” What’s missing?
You failed to note specifically what you liked that your child did
in the room.
Example
of a stronger praise: “I noticed you hung up all your clothes and
also put your toys away. Wow--that helps me a lot! Good
job!” When you are specific about what you liked and
verbalize it in the praise, it will likely occur again.
Set a goal to increase the quantity and
the quality of your praise words and you will soon see a difference in
your child’s attitude—and likely his ability to manage
negative peer pressure as well. You are helping your child feel
good for doing good!
I hope
that you pay more attention to your children when they are doing
something right such as having a good attitude or completing a chore or
making a good peer pressure decision or being kind or _______ -- you
fill in the blank! Catch them doing something good and make sure you
make the time to comment on it. In other words, increase the quantity
and quality of your praise. In a healthy home children should be
receiving more praise than corrections. Have fun being
positive!
Excerpted from family
counselor and global trainer Sharon Scott's award-winning book,
Peer Pressure Reversal: An Adult Guide to
Developing a Responsible Child, 2nd Ed. To
order any of Sharon’s books for parents, children and teens,
contact her at sharon@sharonscott.com
- www.SharonScott.com
Copyright ©
1985-2023, Sharon Scott. No reproduction without written permission from
author.
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