How to have Better Holidays
With Your In-laws
Jenna D. Barry - Family
Relationships -
Some people look forward to
spending the holidays with family, while others would rather be run over
by a reindeer.
Some folks anticipate a time of love
and joy-- while others can't wait for this season of guilt and
manipulation to be over.
It's true that some in-laws
are stereotyped unfairly, but others really are difficult to be around.
Some mothers-in-law gossip about us, pry into our personal lives, and
manipulate us with guilt. Some fathers-in-law criticize us, offer
unwanted advice, and meddle with the way we raise our
kids.
Spending time with our spouse's family
is part of the marriage commitment, so we might as well learn to make
the best of it. Here are five ways to improve visits with your
in-laws:
1. Get out of victim mode.
You are an adult on equal standing with your in-laws, so don't
behave as though you are a child on an inferior level to them. Their
needs and opinions do not outrank yours. Be confident and assertive (but
not antagonistic, hateful or vengeful).
2.
Unite as husband and wife to deal with difficult in-laws. Make
decisions based on your needs as a couple, and then communicate and draw
(reasonable) boundaries with Hubby's folks as needed. If your partner
struggles with making you a priority over his parents, then educate
yourself on how to gain his loyalty.
3. Learn
how to minimize destructive gossip. Avoid criticizing your
husband's parents in his presence because that will trigger his
instinct to defend them. When necessary, vent your frustration to a
counselor or support group instead of your family or friends. Apologize
to your in-laws for gossiping about them, tell them you intend to stop
doing so, and ask them to show you the same respect. Ask your spouse to
refuse to listen if his folks start to talk behind your
back.
4. Be prepared to handle difficult
situations with your in-laws. Memorize some key phrases to use
when they ask intrusive questions, interfere with the way you raise your
kids, offer unwanted advice, manipulate you with guilt, etc. "That's
classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
rn "Let's talk about something else instead."
rn "You're entitled to your opinion, but I've made my
decision."
rn "I know you're just trying to help, but this
isn't your decision."
5. Learn to let your
in-laws be upset. When you start behaving as a confident adult,
they may act offended, cry, throw a tantrum, gossip about you, accuse
you of being disrespectful, etc. They might test you to see how serious
you are about setting boundaries (just like a toddler would), so it's
very important that you stand your ground (in a respectful manner)
instead of arguing, apologizing, or giving excuses for your
behavior.
When you start to behave in a new way, your
in-laws will begin to treat you differently. And who knows? Someday you
may actually look forward to the holiday season.
Jenna
D. Barry is the author of "A Wife's Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your
Husband's Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.