Searching for Home Base - When a Loved One Dies at Holiday Time
By Sally Sacks, M. Ed.
The
following tips were developed based on research and practice among
children's grief support professionals and volunteers. It is important
to note that grief reactions in children are varied, wide ranging and
unique to each individual. These tips offer a helpful guide for
providing understanding and compassion to children living with
grief.
- Be Patient.
The emotions of the grieving process are natural and expected, even
for children. When the death of someone significant occurs it is normal
for them to struggle. Bereavement is not a problem to be fixed for a
child; it is an experience they are living. Children need adults to be
patient with them as they adjust to these changes.
- Children Grieve Differently. Each
child's grief experience is unique. Age, stage of development, cultural
and social experiences and his or her relationship with the deceased are
important factors that shape the way children experience and express
their grief. Reactions vary from sadness, anger, fear, guilt and even
relief. It is important to listen to children, meet them on their terms
and come to understand their unique grief reactions. Remember that
children "revisit" their grief as they grow up. With maturity they
will understand more, experience changing emotions and ask different
questions.
- Create New
Traditions. Rituals can provide your family tangible ways to
acknowledge your grief and honor the memory of those who have died.
Lighting candles, recognizing special occasions, sharing stories about
those who have died or volunteering with a local charity as a family are
some of the ways you can incorporate new traditions or
rituals.
- Honesty is the
Best Policy. Children need to know the truth. Most parents and
caregivers would agree that they would prefer that their children not
have to deal with the difficult truths that might accompany a death.
Unfortunately, in doing so, we often create other problems. Although it
may be challenging to share the truth about how someone died, honest
answers build trust, help provide understanding and allow children to
feel comfortable approaching us with questions because they know they
can trust us to tell them the truth.
- Don't Avoid It, Talk About It. Grieving
children often feel alone and misunderstood. Many well-meaning
adults avoid talking about the deceased person in fear that doing so
will exacerbate the grief children are experiencing. In doing so,
children might feel as though talking about or even expressing their
grief is not acceptable. When children feel understood by family and
friends and when they have the opportunity to express their grief in
their own unique way, they feel less alone and, in turn, fare better
than they would otherwise.
- Provide the Chance to Connect. Greater
than any education, information or advice we can give to children who
are grieving is to allow them to connect with other children going
through a similar experience. It is also important for children to have
adults in their lives who provide a safe environment that is consistent,
teaches resilience and encourages accountability, while allowing
children the freedom to express their grief.
- You're Not Alone. Parents and
caregivers of grieving children do not have to be alone. There are many
resources available online and local grief support programs for bereaved
children.
To find
local children's grief support programs visit www.ChildrenGrieve.
org/find-support.
Sally Sacks M. Ed., is a seasoned psychotherapist with 30 years of experience in counseling.
She has 20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children, families and couples. Sally is the author of https://www.sallysacks.com. More about Sally Sacks M. Ed.
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